Alone

​Alone.
So often alone.
An only child.
One.
Me.
 
And the striving for
connection.
Am I okay?
How do I relate?
My way?
Must things always
be my way?
 
As a child, yes.
And shamefully beyond.
Me.
Mine.
I want.
Feed me attention,
Mommy.
There was no daddy to ask…
well, so distant and
far between that it was
pointless to yearn.
An occasional
weekend would
have to do.
 
And single Mommy
worked.
A lot.
A lot of alone time
and unfulfilled need.
Likely for both of us.
 
But these patterns unfold
their wounded arms
hoping to catch
some love and
connection.
 
And we must learn
to relate.
To communicate.
To go beyond
me, mine, neediness.
Because that demand
doesn’t serve so well.
 
And then, almost
surprisingly, came the love
that landed… here.
And the learning curve
weighted with pangs
of insecurity.
Softening into the ease of
relationship when - being
so loved and loving
back - obstacles were
climbed together.
 
Our two grew to six.
We adulted as best
we could over family.
He and I meandering
through with tenacity
while our soul shadows
offered us more than
we wanted.
Than we were really
prepared for.
 
So beyond the
interconnectedness -
nuclear sacredness of our
family - our connections
were few.
While adoring grandparents,
ever-available, were
the sparkles
that shone over us.
 
Yes, I had – have –
friends, but so few.
I never really
mastered that skill.
 
Yet hundreds supported
us through his terminal illness.
I shall never be able
to fully acknowledge
or pay forward such
generosity of those
who reached out…
reached into our homes,
our hearts.
 
And then the quietude
of intimate grief.
And aloneness.
Utter aloneness
that cradled me
in protective
never-to-be-hurt.
 
Familiar.
Empty.
Necessary.
Me.
 
But the chill of
isolation has begun
to warm again.
Even in the emptiness
of confusion.
Do I want connection?
Do I need it?
Is alone a sacred
honor, bestowed
on those who
have never found
the right-sized
courage?
 
I’m not so sure
what connection
means outside the tiny
circle that seems
to be losing its form.
Do I want to challenge
my comfort zone
and allow for
more connection?
I trust in the sweet
friendships I have, but
I see, too, that
I have never mastered
the skill beyond
Only-ness.

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