 As I mentioned in my last article, These are the Times…, our global collective is in an intense awakening, and I continue to see that we are going to experience a series of “situations” as many of our wounds and shadows and misaligned beliefs rise to the surface to be seen, heard, and, hopefully, healed. What I didn’t realize in March is how soon, or what kind of “event” would influence so many people around the world. The murder, captured on camera, of George Floyd has sparked worldwide protests in response to the disproportionate killings of black people by America’s police force.
For those unfamiliar with my biography, you may not know that I've had two family members shot and killed by police. For perspective, let me give you the circumstances of each: My uncle, my dad’s youngest brother (2004) – He left a house, then was suddenly chased by a plain clothes officer (never identified himself), first by vehicle, then by foot until he was trapped in an alley and then shot five times in the back. Unarmed, innocent, father of five, including a newborn. After being shot, he was left to bleed out as the EMTs were prohibited from aiding him. OOPS… the narcotics officer was looking for a different Mexican-American with dark skin; a parolee who also had a mustache, but was about five inches in height-difference than my uncle. My uncle's immediate family was mercilessly harassed by law enforcement after the shooting. Though indicted, the officer was acquitted. My cousin, my mom’s sister’s son (2006) – He showed up at an Army Reserve office with a gun as he was distraught and threatening his ex-girlfriend. Cops called his cell phone and spoke to him for a while, asking him to "please leave, sir." He did... but returned a little later, and was subsequently shot once he pointed his gun directly at the officer. He actually only pulled his trigger once it was against his own head, as he wanted a guaranteed death. He was very fair-skinned, and was definitely threatening. His family was not harassed. And, as this was a suicide-by-cop, the situation was evaluated but the officer was not charged. This are just two stories, of course, but the systemic racism is clear when you compare the danger-to-cop (or others) circumstances along with the skin tones. For the past few weeks, I have been diligently speaking out on my social media accounts, signing petitions, and helping people understand the unconsciousness we are prone to when living – submerged – in a racist culture. Though I have yet to get out myself, all three of my daughters have participated in peaceful protests in Sacramento and San Francisco, standing in solidarity of justice. I am incredibly proud of all my young adult children, who’ve worked tirelessly in the name of equal rights. Just as I do in individual readings, and in my Sacred Offerings newsletters and articles, I continue to shine the light into the shadows that hold us back, whether individually or collectively. It's part of what I do; bringing forth that which we cannot see so well, as awareness is the first step to transformation, so we can love those mis-aligned aspects back to wholeness. We are in a massive transformation, which will likely cause us unprecedented feelings of discomfort for the next several years. As difficult or painful as it may be, we are more than ready to evolve. A world where any human is made to live in fear of being targeted simply for being who s/he is – whether race, skin tone, sexual orientation, religion, gender, disability, etc. – is a world in need of profound healing from fear and hate, and beliefs rooted in unworthiness. As uncomfortable as this is to see, to understand that we all have been programmed to be racist, sexist, OTHER-ist in a purposefully suppressive system, it is NOW TIME (far past, actually) to notice, to name and unpack what is unconscious, fear-based, holding us back, and undermining and hurting ourselves, crippling our humanity. Doing a spiritual bypass and emphatically claiming "We are One" without doing the inner work to heal our own systemic (unconscious) programming of hate, fear and separation is not truly transformational; it's avoidance. Yes, we are one, but that "one" has been fragmented with many aspects, the wounded and fearful, hiding for "safety" in the shadows. We must acknowledge our shortcomings, or they will continue to operate in unconscious, often hurtful, ways. Every day we can see this pattern of our unresolved wounds affecting our relationships, our finances, our health, and our general happiness. This is why we do "inner work" for wellness. When it comes to racism, or any other 'ism, I invite you to go into a meditative state and ask yourself, "What am I not seeing here? What makes me uncomfortable around this? What's triggering to me? Where am I complacent? Where can I heal? What is my part in our collective transformation?" Journaling your insights can be a powerful way to bring wisdom, wounds, and wonderings to the surface. There is a new-age belief to “focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.” Yet, there is also the third-dimensional matter of transformation and healing the areas in our lives that are out-of-balance. As much as we would rather focus on what's going right, the "unloved" aspects that are ignored (that which we don't like dealing with/seeing and usually deeply buried by the ego) will begin to form a "cancer" - if necessary - to get our attention, begging loudly for healing. How one deals with cancer is a choice, of course. Since most (if not all) imbalances and dis-ease have emotional, worth-based aspects and beliefs underlying them, it’s important to recognize the unconscious role they play in supporting/feeding a dis-ease so that they can be “uprooted” for transformation, if true healing is to take place. Global healing – just as personal healing – begins with recognizing what needs to be healed, understanding there is dis-ease in the whole (not ignoring it), unearthing the “root causes” or underlying beliefs that supported its growth, then taking "right action" toward transformation. Typically, “right action” for something significantly out-of-balance (like cancer or systemic racism) must happen in a multitude of realms – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – simultaneously and immediately to be most effective. In other words, prayer or affirmations alone are rarely enough for the "big stuff." At this time, with the masses awakening so quickly, we can focus on strengthening our will to act, as well as to trust in our abilities and true nature. We can know that as we face this painful unearthing of our shadows in the months and years to come – whatever they may be – we will have the courage and fortitude to transform them “for good.” As an intrinsic part of the whole, each of us is being challenged to face our own egos, our own fears, our shadows and shortcomings – not for self-shame or judgment – so we may transform them through the power of Love… in action.
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 It's clear to everyone we are in an unprecedented time. While some focus on the specifics related to the COVID-19 pandemic, most spiritual teachers are also seeing this as a major launch into our greater global awakening. And, thankfully, those leaders are also offering ways to stay centered, to find the constant amongst the upheaval, and reminding us not get swayed by fear or panic; even including spiritual or practical tools for optimizing wellness.
I am grateful for the healers in my life - the chiropractors, complimentary medicine MDs, acupuncturists and others - who are reaching out and sharing their skilled wisdom about boosting our immune systems during this time, acknowledging the multitude of layers that comprise wellness. Personally, I am doing my part to continue self-care, as it became my foundational life-line after my husband and mom passed away - essentially resting and rebuilding my whole system after a year of being Eric's primary caregiver and allowing my deep grief. In some ways, the "Stay at Home" Order isn't much different from how I had been living these past several years. It is extending that "downtime" but now with my twin daughters home 24/7. I'm not going to give specific "insights" on the origins of COVID-19 or the current pandemic, but did want to share a some of the world-spiritual pictures I see, and ways you can explore it yourself. If it resonates, great. If not, great. No judgement, just perspectives and invitations. When I intuitively look at "dis-ease" in people, I often see the behaviors, emotions or beliefs that may have fed it. Thus, bringing these components to our awareness, and consciously aligning them with higher frequencies, such as unconditional love, joy, worthiness, and self-care, can be a valuable part of our striving for overall wellness. This is not to say that if we don't "fix" what is unconscious we will get sick, nor place blame on anyone who does end up sick or passes away from illness! As we know, coronavirus is a type of virus of which some can cause common colds or mild respiratory illnesses. For most of us, we acknowledge that sometimes we get sick because we were exposed to someone (or something) that had "germs" but we can also often see where our body's vulnerability allowed for the illness - whether we were overtired, not eating well, in an emotional funk, or just plain stressed. This is why most complimentary healers are encouraging us to focus on mental, emotional and spiritual wellness in addition to our physical immunity-boosting efforts. In terms of this global outbreak - and the intensity of COVID-19 - we might ask, "What areas were weak in our collective body that made us so vulnerable to this pandemic?" I invite you to contemplate that, feel into whatever comes and perhaps do some journalling. Ask your own questions, if inspired, allowing for whatever to come to be honored. And, bringing it home (no irony intended) ask, "What areas of my own being need strengthening?" Unless you are an essential worker in this storyline, I assume you have plenty of time for strengthening practices. (And if you are an essential worker, it's imperative to fortify your various bodies as best you can, for sure!) Scanning back from the current situation - and why spiritual leaders view this as a "portal" more or less - we see that we have never been collectively brought to a halt to this degree. Essentially (whether founded on fear or collective care), the world has agreed to "stop." Beautifully, for those of us who aren't sick or impoverished or endangered in our homes, millions and millions of us around the world are resting, rebuilding, reexamining, reprioritizing and reimagining our lives. It's our day-to-day living that impacts the whole. How much time do we spend in quietude? How often do we sit and play with our children or engage in conversations with our loved ones? How many walks can one take with a pet or family member, and actually notice the natural world all around? How can we live a little slower, simpler, softer? We have an incredible opportunity to breathe, to be, to let go, to face our fears, to feel those range of feelings that arise, to connect, and lean into the lives we really want to live. That is not to say it is an easy "Order." The other part I see in this current shift is that this is really just the start of more "pandemics" (or situations) that will hit our collective in significant ways as Life begs us to awaken! This is not to incite fear, or make anyone run out to get more toilet paper, or buy or sell stocks, but rather to shine light upon potentials that are stirring so we can soften into the series of "contractions" rather than fight them in pain and fear. We are birthing some pretty amazing beings in ourselves as well as a whole "New Earth" so it may take a bit of work to do so. Again, I invite you to ask inwardly, "What gifts do I need to cultivate for my own empowerment and joy?" as these are going to help you navigate through what can be perceived as frightening to the ego. Our job is not to rid ourselves of ego, but rather acknowledge and love it - to love our whole selves - as one would a scared and dependent child. You are here on this planet, at this pivotal time, for a reason. You were born with incredible gifts, unimaginable power, with your unique form and personality and presence. And now you've been offered a new playground of time. Allow this time to use you... to fill you up, to inform you.. and paradoxically, to empty you. Allow for exploration and play. Although there are times I get a bit overwhelmed by the density of fear and anxiety in the air, and think about food and paper goods in ways I never have before, I am sincerely excited for what is unfolding. I feel my soul exclaiming, "Finally!" - almost ready to step into my next, expanded role. Whatever that may be. In the words of the Hopi Elders Prophecy, "We are the ones we've been waiting for!" It was two years ago that my husband, Eric, started noticing some strange symptoms. He was feeling weak, and went to the doctor to see what was going on. His initial thought was he had a hernia, since he was having a bit of trouble breathing; though that did not explain the weakness in his arms or legs. With persistence, several doctor visits, and then being hospitalized for a series of tests, he was diagnosed in June of 2017 with ALS - also known as Lou Gerhig's disease. At that appointment, his doctor literally gave him "three years to live." I remember thinking, "Oh! He'll make it to the twins' graduation!" As awful as the instantaneous thought was in response to the prognosis, it was something that anchored me in "hope." But the disease worked much faster on my husband than either of us could have imagined and hope waxed and waned along the way. First, of course, we sought out "alternatives" - not just to potential healing modalities, but to the diagnosis itself! The process of seeking, learning, trying, and receiving was beyond anything we had experienced, as a couple or individuals - and we had been through a lot in our thirty years together! By October of 2017, at Eric's second visit to the ALS Clinic, he was given a Bi-Pap machine to assist with his breathing, and his walking had become so compromised that a custom-designed wheelchair was ordered. By the time he received it in December, he was no longer able to walk, and I had to learn to transfer him from his lifting recliner chair to the wheelchair... and Eric was nearly a foot taller than me! In fact, by December, his health and breathing had declined so rapidly, that we didn't think he was going to make it to his 55th birthday (on 12/21) or Christmas. Yet, he did, and something seemed to stabilize in him, but what or why was never determined. Perhaps it was his motivation to see our youngest daughters through basketball season? Speaking of his wheelchair and basketball season, this was just one area of miracles and kindness we received throughout his illness! As his wheelchair was fully electric and weighed over 400 lbs., plus the fact that he needed a ventilator, it was no longer a matter of me "lift-transferring" him from the wheelchair into the car anymore. We needed a wheelchair accessible vehicle to transport him. Winter grace:
Thus, for the remaining of the basketball season we were able to get to almost all of their games! As well, having the van allowed us to attend Eric's mom's funeral in April, visit the Whole Earth Festival in May and get to a couple of important appointments. It was about a year ago, at one of our twins' games, however, that Eric noticed that my mom looked "yellow." My response to him was, "Everyone looks yellow! We're in a gym under fluorescent lights!" But at the next game, I noticed the yellow-orange tint, too, so I shared my concerns with her. She told me that she had gone to Urgent Care the weekend before, because her urine was brown and she wasn't feeling well, but they had sent her home without a diagnosis or any real testing. Within a few weeks and various tests, her prognosis was also terminal. My mom was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, and only opted for chemo to slow down the aggressiveness and keep the cancer from getting to her bones. To say I was in shock... well, I'm still in shock and she's been gone six months now! As Eric's disease was progressing, my caregiving - which had become full time - had increased tenfold. I was no longer lift-transferring; instead using an electric Hoyer lift to get him from the hospital bed in our living room to his wheelchair, which - after basketball season ended - had become only an occasional transfer. Sitting in his wheelchair was painful no matter which position we adjusted him to, and Eric had a hard time breathing it in despite the ventilator. His needs were so great that attending to my mom was nearly out of the question, although I was able to take her to a couple of her appointments. Thankfully, her decades-long friend had turned his two-week visit (which happened to be at the time of her diagnosis) into a long-term stay, which was a major blessing. As well, our twins spent a couple nights a week at her home as they finished up their sophomore year and attended basketball camp. Plus, a good friend became my mom's other chemo appointment driver and a huge medical advocate for her. I jokingly have said that "Eric and my mom were so competitive that they even turned their deaths into a competition!" My mom, who had decided to give up chemo since it was causing so much nausea and discomfort, elected to go on to hospice on July 11, 2018. Her pain was so great that she ended up in the hospital that following Saturday, staying overnight and being sent home with more morphine - even though it had not been working! On July 18, my husband decided to go onto hospice - his breathing had become so difficult that he had almost choked in the middle of the night, scaring both of us and prompting the decision. He was declining rapidly, so we had our older two come home to say their goodbyes. That Sunday, my mom went back into the hospital, as her pain would not cease. Again, my dear friend attended her side, and continued to act as her advocate. My husband was down to his last days, and my mom was now being told she - too - was likely down to her last week or two. I couldn't believe it, nor could I leave my husband's side. My husband died, and I will say a "peaceful death" with the support of a little morphine and a lot of love from family and friends, on July 24. The next day we had his viewing at our home. The day after that, my friend - still at my mom's side - called me and said it was time to come be with my mom. My three daughters and I drove to the hospital, where I spent one night in a bed next to hers before bringing her to my home on July 27. She passed away - also peacefully - a week later on August 3. The pain and shock are surreal at times. My mom and my husband were my foundations, my rocks. No one has ever understood me or loved me as they have, and I am grieving deeply at their loss. Our younger two daughters and I each have attended closed bereavement groups, which have helped us with some of the process, but we still have a long way to go. This story - clearly - is just a snippet of our past two years. Each excruciating day was long and cherished, yet it all went by so quickly. I've been in a fog through much of it, yet the moments of connection - of pure shared Love - are still clear. The heaviness has been more than I thought I could bear, but somehow I'm doing it. Crying helps. Friends help. Our children help. I couldn't have imagined losing my husband so early (he was just 55) let alone losing my young mom (she was only 68) the very same year, within weeks of one another. And, what's more incredible is how friends and strangers leaned in so tightly that we were held in Love and Generosity throughout the process. So in addition to the gestures of kindnesses that I've already mentioned, I'd like to conclude this chronicle with the other amazing ways our family was supported during this immensely challenging time:
Having lost my mom so soon after losing Eric, I have barely touched on that grief nor have I yet planned a service for her. She elected to donate her body to UC Davis School of Medicine, and in September they held a Memorial for all donors, which was a nice way to touch in and slightly process her death while honoring her in a small way. Yet, as an interfaith ordained minister who wrote her thesis on Sacred Ceremony, I want to truly honor her with a ceremony that's as eclectic and reverent as she deserves. In time, I shall. And, just as I helped compose for my husband a memorial video (which I share here) I would like to create a music video in her honor, too... but, again, that will happen in time. And, I know I have many amazing people who are willing to support me in this next endeavor - or whatever I need, whenever I trust Life enough to reach out for help. All for which I am beyond grateful, in spite of the grief.  As a harmony-seeking Libran, I spent many years trying to "keep the peace." What this looked like, specifically, was lowering my natural vibration to match that of those around me. This is very common for many of us.
As such, I also tried to "get along" with others by "doing the right thing." This meant "learning the rules," right? But the problem, I quickly found, was that the rules changed and I rarely got to make them. I merely jumped from one hotspot to the other trying to please. About 11 years ago, I attended a class meeting in which my daughter's teacher was encouraging us parents to take a class in NVC (Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication). I felt myself leaning in agreeing, "I should do this!" But what I felt under that leaning was my desire/need to be a "better" person... and again to do the "right" thing. I quickly snapped out of it! (No, this is not a judgment about NVC.) I realized that I was finally ready to make peace with me AS I WAS and stop trying to figure out what the "right" way to be was since - at that moment - I realized there was no way I'd ever get myself "right" in someone else's eyes because everyone had very different expectations of what I / we "should" be or do to be okay! It was a lose-lose trap of never-ending not measuring up-ness. So after the meeting, I told the teacher, "I'm ready to make peace with my fucked-upness." And I felt my entire body relax in a sigh of relief. Does this mean that I've stopped growing? Does it mean I've become "enlightened"? No. I KNOW I OFFEND PEOPLE. I just walk in a room and can rub people the wrong way. I'm an intense person with a very sweet demeanor and sometimes people just won't like me or what I say or what I look like. My job is not to please them. Nor do I go out of my way to offend... truly. My "job" (if I want to call it that) is to surrender to the place in me that can simply be okay just because I am human.  Just as we enter the Holy Days in which our souls are trying to remind us that Peace on Earth begins with "me," it seems each week we learn about one violent incident after another! More notably, this violence is unprovoked and being caused by those who should be exemplifying Peace.
As a non-TV owner, I do my best to detach from the darkness of the news. Yet, hearing about some stories cannot be avoided. For years I have grappled with my desire to encompass myself with simplicity and peacefulness, while remaining aware of what is going on just enough for me to make clear and aligned choices for my life and my family. In 2004, my father's youngest brother - who was just five years older than me - was shot in the back and killed by a plain-clothes state officer. My uncle was unarmed. He was Hispanic. He had a mustache, as did the Hispanic man the officer was seeking, though my uncle was several inches shorter than the parolee. I remember telling someone in my community about the incident. She was a white, well-to-do mom who simply asked me, "Why was he running?" From her frame of reference, she couldn't even conceive of how this kind of situation would not be my uncle's fault. I saw she was completely clueless, and it made me feel as if she had no compassion. One of the most valuable aspects of my work - of connecting deeply with others in sessions with them - is I get to experience them in such a way that my compassion and understanding of their limitations (and their unwavering true essence) grows. Personally, I grew up with many human struggles. My family was laced with teen pregnancies, numerous abuses, mental illnesses and addictions, and poverty. In the last decade, I've lost two of my closest cousins to suicide. As a married mother of four, I endured six years of a painful separation from my then-self-destructive husband. As much as I wish I didn't have the heaviness in my biography, it seems these hardships have helped me relate to my clients and compassionately hold space for them. More importantly, however, I trust that my experiences have encouraged me to strive dauntlessly for Peace... in the world, in my family, in me. As we approach the season when we try to sway from the heavily-hyped consumerism and re-kindle our inner light with the true Spirit of the Holy Days, I invite you to welcome in compassion and understanding. From situations you hear on the news, to the person who took your parking spot, to the homeless person at the street corner, take the time to bring them in to your heart. If you can do this for each person, whether "victim" or "aggressor," and feel (or imagine) his or her story, challenges, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams - even for a moment - then you will be creating Peace. It may not always be easy, but it's one of the most courageous acts you can do. With consciousness and loving actions, we can all become Peace on Earth.  Have you been feeling physically, emotionally or psychically bad this last week or so? What are you feeling in your body or energy fields right now? Take a minute to scan yourself and notice what’s going on before you read my story.
Last week I began my day feeling unusually tired. Interestingly enough, two of my friends had also felt the same way just before we went on our hike. In nature, amongst the rocks and stream, birds and breeze, and the warmth of the sun, the exhaustion dispersed. Seems reasonable, right? What we discovered, to our surprise, is that as soon as we returned to the city, with the people, cars and hustle and bustle (albeit a rural version of hustle and bustle), we noticed that we were once again wiped out! There was a noticeable difference in the two spaces and the congested area seemed to affect us directly in a negative way. Additionally, last week, feelings of “fuck it” began to surface. “What’s the point?,” swelled within me more times than one. By the weekend, I had an intense melt down. It was triggered by a desire to have the simplicity of my family together, which was not unfolding as I had wished. I felt a deep rage… mine… others’… the collective’s. I laid down for a half hour or so and the rage softened, but never completely dissolved. Sunday was my twin daughters’ birthday and we went to breakfast. It was lovely, but I chose to eat the gluten free pancakes that came with my meal… with butter… and syrup… of course. Well, as I have not been doing (many) grains recently, I enjoyed the delicious high but crashed hard by noon! I took a wiped-completely-out-and-drooling kind of two-hour nap. Yesterday, I paid for the two-and-a-half-not-so-big-GF-pancakes-with-butter-and-syrup with a horrible, toxic headache… all day. I was sure by the time I got home and into my pajamas at 4 pm I would feel better, but I didn’t. The headache weighed me into another exhaustion and left me non-functional and even more so “fuck it.” By night, I had received a text from one of my hiking buddies that she had a migraine. This friend, like me, is extremely tapped in to the collective and our planet. Thus, just before crawling into bed, I sent out a Facebook status asking if others had been feeling the intense heaviness, and threw in a request for healing energy. Of the 21 comments I received yesterday and today (many of which were offering xoxo’s, <3’s and healing), more than half commented that they, too, had felt similar symptoms:
Thus, I’ve decided to “look” at this, as I am on day two of the headache and have been GF-pancake-with-butter-and-syrup-free for two days now and have been sensing that there is something more to what I and others are experiencing. It feels unusual and “bigger” than what meets the eye. As I was talking to another friend (the non-migraine hiker who’s been having a hard time sleeping), I started getting pictures and downloads and strands of possibilities. What’s interesting to me is that I told her that I felt like this had something to do with the missing airplane – Flight 370 – story. Strange, I know. It surprised me, and as I often get analogies and symbols, I kept this as a possible interpretation for something. There are a couple of things I want to say before I continue. First, I don’t have a television or pay attention to the media, mainstream or otherwise, and haven’t learned much about the Flight 370 incident. As well, I am not a “conspiracy” type person – at all! – though I do believe we as a whole have been living so far out of alignment that we have allowed suppressive systems to grow and flourish for eons. And, finally, of course I could be wrong about what I see energetically! I don’t claim to be right about anything, really, but I have learned in my practice as an intuitive to just allow whatever it is to come through me. In fact, it’s all I really need to do and it’s up to others to evaluate and resonate (or not) with the information I bring. What I see is that we are at the verge of making a collective “quantum leap” if we wish. As many of us know, things have been shifting for many years and people are really waking up and beginning to accept their power. Yet, what I also see, feel and know is that there is a lot of resistance. In fact, it sometimes seems as if the resistance is greater than the pull to evolve. The resistance is both internal and external. And, if you think about it, the internal resistance that we are generating as a collective is equally matched with external resistance; aka entities and situations that keep us out of alignment and out of our power. So, what does this have to do with Flight 370? When I first heard of the flight I thought, “Hm… that’s weird, but I’m sure it’ll resolve soon.” But it didn’t. And the tidbits I caught just seemed fishy. No, I haven’t looked deeply into “what happened” to the flight, as I don’t feel it is in my place (nor my interest, honestly), but I do have the sense of foul play… as many do. What I see is that this flight was “hijacked” from the “inside.” This does not seem like a terrorist act, or even something related. It feels like an act of force and misused power on a really big scale. Big, not because it’s a large plane with lots of people, but because it feels like governments are involved. It feels like a “trade” or a “deal” of some kind. Obviously, (to me) it was important to make this happen and cover it up. The stakes feel big – some kind of bargain that has far reaches. So what do the headaches and the discomforts have to do with all of this? What I see is that there are huge, powerful manipulations of forces going on and they are taking place because of the consciousness shifts, because of our collective resistances to them, and because of the huge leap we are close to taking. I say ‘close’ because it is as if our collective flight has been hijacked in some way! To me, I am seeing the same “government” powers involved. I am not sure “which” government (which actually doesn’t matter) or how the two are specifically – on a material level – related or how exactly the discomforts are “produced” or if they are produced from an outside force at all. What I have been seeing for years is that one major “outside force” is really an internal one; our soul’s agreement to expand with the collective and the pressure cooker we feel we are in as that which no longer serves us is pressed right out of us! Going back to Flight 370 and our collective hijacking, I could only imagine the fear, pain and suffering of the passengers, can’t you? Yes… and that’s why we are feeling this intensity. Not only are we becoming highly attuned to one another, and the plights of our sister-beings, but we are attuned to the leap we are ready to make, and we felt this hijacking. But what do we do? Again, what would you do if you were on a flight that was being hijacked by our “leaders?” Shock, rage, fear, confusion, and likely the will to survive would unfold within and around you! Would you sleep in your horribly uncomfortable squashed seat? Ask for another drink? Jump from the plane? Would you band together and take action in spite of your fear and uncertainty of your future? By no means do I wish to judge or make light of an actual airline hijacking situation, or instill fear in you in any way. Yet, what I see – and feel, unfortunately – is the affects of a passive, overpowered collective that has so much inner resistance to our quantum leap that it is subject to hijacking (or worse). What we’ve been experiencing recently, feels to me that we are – right now – being hijacked from our intended course! So how do we release our resistance and reset our course? First, and foremost, we must be gentle with ourselves. Eat well. Sleep. Keep things simple. Go on hikes. And do whatever you can to nourish your body and soul. Just as I have with this headache situation, feel into your own suffering and look at it with as much neutrality as possible. Is it yours? Is there an underlying message? How can you shift it with love and care? Keep things simple. Oh, did I already say that? Yes, I did! Our busyness keeps us distracted and out of our power. It distracts us from our feelings, our fears, from doing things we really love, and from noticing things we should be noticing. Stay in alignment. Keep the faith. Stay on your path to your soul’s calling. Be the light for the world. Be your authentic self. Cultivate joy! Encircle yourself with loving protection. Visualize yourself surrounded by white light, a golden shield or use any other intention to preserve your body and energy field from things that don’t serve you. This isn’t about fear, it’s about intention and boundaries. Notice and set them. Own your power. No, you don’t need to fix every aspect of yourself. In fact, trying to “better” yourself is often dis-empowering because you align with a belief that there is something wrong with you. This is not true. Owning your power simply means you say yes to who you are and act accordingly. Change the world. Yep. It’s what you came to do. It’s what many of us are here to do and we can’t keep procrastinating. By being complacent, we allow things to happen that don’t need to happen. Our power, especially when we band together, is extraordinary! We envision a world that is peaceful and fair and safe and healthy and abundant. It is our duty to manifest this vision one mindful step at a time. Now, as you finish reading this, scan your body for two things. First, does this information resonate with you in any way? Second, how is your body or energy field feeling now? Did something shift or soften when you read this? Personally, I still have a slightly dull headache, but a sense of relief and renewal has enlivened me and my “fuck it’s” are gone! In one-on-one readings, I often make "predictions," but absolutely know that people can change course at any time. I love to use my mom's analogy when we teach our Intuitive Skills classes together: If you are driving from Sacramento to Reno, heading up I-80, you might pull over at a gas station and ask, "Am I going to Reno?" After figuring out where you came from and which direction you've been traveling, the attendant would say, "Yes, just keep heading up I-80 and you'll get there." Doing a reading about someone's future is similar. The person telling you that you are going to Reno usually predicts where you are going based on where you've been, what road you're traveling on, and your intended destination. The choice in whether you stay on the road, or turn around, or pull off at any other exit is yours.  Several months ago I had "seen" that the energies brought with the Equinox would be huge, but didn't think about it again... until I felt them.
Last week, my mom, Rev. Tess Pender, experienced a stroke. Though I don't believe that the energies of the Equinox caused it, or that they are inherently bad, I do see a correlation. We are rapidly moving into at time where patterns are clearing, hearts are opening, and life is expanding. This can be seen in an infinite array of manifestations. As you see and sense the shifts around you, I offer you these words, "Breathe and Trust." Of course, I'm doing my best to do this very practice! For those who have been offering prayers - with Facebook comments, phone calls and in your hearts - my mom and I sincerely thank you! I trust that this next phase in our lives as mother, daughter and family will bring deeper heart connections. For the last several years I have been talking about energies "intensifying." I have also said that I like the word because it is a neutral one; it can describe ecstatic experiences as well as dramatic, heavy ones. And, again, I must say that the energies we are experiencing are still intensifying. Time is whooshing past, structures are crumbling away and our need to feel and believe in our value is nearly unbearable.
This, of course, could be called "Life" or it could be seen as the shift we are moving through as we awaken to a greater consciousness. I think it is both. Intensity.... As I continue to breathe through the whoosh of my personal life, with my oldest daughter graduating from high school and my son graduating from eighth grade, I am finding myself re-evaluating the "how's" and even the "why's" of my work as an Intuitive and Spiritual Mentor. I am caught between welcoming the New Age - in which we are no longer needing "teachers" or "healing" - and the deep feelings of "I can help show the way" and (more surprising to me) "I can help people clear old patterns and integrate the new." And, in this 3D world, there are the necessary logistics to make the energies from higher realms manifest. And, I see and know a world in which only Grace and Ease are most in alignment. In my work and daily life, I find myself in this space "between worlds" - inwardly experiencing the new as I witness the old still in action. Stepping forward in consciousness, as best I can. Last night I decided to attend a group called "Psychics in Action." The group, facilitated by Aureya Magdalen, MFT, gathers one evening per month and usually focuses on a theme. I attend sporadically; maybe two to three times per year. Last night's theme - Trust - was the primary motivation behind my willingness to drive an hour to get there. It was a good session and, in terms of how we approached Trust, completely different than I expected. As usual, we were lead into an individually-focused meditation. Over the decades of practicing guided visualization I have learned, 1) to drop into the desired state extremely fast, 2) to simply observe what unfolds, rather than try to force things to happen, and 3) to refrain from over-analyzing the images or thoughts that come to me. Well, during last night's meditation, the latter skill was a bit more challenging than usual. The images I received were so "dark" and felt so "opposite" of me that it was almost shocking. Thus, my judgments, questions and analyzing met the shock with a great desire for understanding. Fortunately, I have been "deciphering" images and downloads for most of my life. Within a short time, the information neutralized my perception of negativity. Soon, we were lead to the end of the meditation and I found myself so deeply embedded into the Oneness, that leaving the altered state was excruciatingly difficult. Explaining what I experienced is even more so, but I will certainly try.
Today I am a bit more clear about what happened last night, but not fully. Simultaneously, I am clueless about what is unfolding. Regardless, I know I am grateful.
Who knows, I may even integrate this new information and experience into my practice.  As the Holidays approach, we may find ourselves anticipating them with Comfort and Joy, or Dread and Despair. The taste of an oven roasted turkey, the gathering of family and friends, the shopping for food and gifts, the sending of cards, the decorating of houses – ours and for those little gingerbread folks! – the traveling, the weather, and so on. Each of these things can cause joy and despair, and although the Holidays are quickly approaching, we do have choices in how we approach the Holidays.
With four children and dozens of Holiday “obligations” each year, I often find myself looking forward to December 26th, if not January 2nd. Thanksgiving, and sometimes even Halloween, will start that anxiety snowball rolling, even if the weather outside isn’t frightful! Several years ago, after exhaustion, stress and financial worries got the best of me, I searched for that white towel! It hung softly in my bathroom with an innocent little reindeer embroidered to it; Rudolf’s large eyes were begging me not throw it in. Instead, I decided to make a list of Holiday “To Do’s” and “To Don’ts” to remind me of the peaks and valleys I repeatedly traveled across year after year. My mindless path over the river and through the woods was well worn, but I knew it was up to me to create a new one.
Although “To Don’t” was clearly in the lead, both lists dashed away to blaze a new trail! Perhaps this year, before writing your food, gift shopping or other obligatory “To Do” lists, you set aside a little time to allow your own visions of Sugar Plums – or whatever dreams you have for your Holidays – to dance from your head onto a piece of paper. You can do this alone, or with your family; or maybe you each make your own lists and then share and compare them to discover a few of your favorite things. On another list, note all the things you want to avoid this year – like cooking yams nobody actually eats or waiting ‘til Christmas eve to start your gift shopping. To enjoy truly Happy Holidays, I want to create a balanced garland of festive activities and soulful rituals strung between peaceful spans of breathing space while I spend time with family and friends. I want my ears, heart and mind to listen deeply to the Carol of the Bells because when I do… Hark! How the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, “throw cares away!” Our Holiday traditions can be passed down from previous generations, or created completely anew; many times they simply emerge. Traditions are those things we repeat – mindfully or not – every year. Some people feel pangs of guilt if they break a tradition. In essence, this keeps them bound to the past. Present yourself one gift this year: release the traditions that don’t sing to your heart, and continue or create traditions that do. The simplest things make my heart sing. As a non-baker and non-TV watcher, one joyful tradition is to bring a video player into my kitchen and spend a full day baking cookies with my children and“Elf” and embracing the assurance that “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Gratitude for what we receive and giving to others nestle in the heart of the Holy Days. These can be experienced superficiously, or deeper in our own hearts. Ritual can bring meaning and intention to our customs, as well as add Spiritual awareness. Rituals can be simple or elaborate; the intention is to let them speak to your soul. Celebrate the birth of your newly created “To Do” list; take a moment each evening to light a candle and envision and recite your heartfelt Holiday Wishes. Perhaps you create or participate in a formalized ritual to observe the Winter Solstice. One of my all time favorite rituals is the Advent spiral. When I watch my children – whom Angels greet with anthems sweet – walk a spiral of evergreen to a lit candle during the Holy Days, my whole being remembers that all is calm, all is bright! With all those sleigh bells ringing in practically every lane, the Holidays can quickly become overwhelming. Oddly, during a season meant for hibernating, we are often bombarded with invitations to go walking in a winter wonderland, dashing through the snow, or rocking around the Christmas tree – sometimes all on the same holy night! This year, think about marking every possible event down on your calendar and then carefully eliminate those that feel like burdensome obligations or simply overcrowd your Holidays. Write some activities down in pencil, then on the day of each event check in with yourself to see if it feels right to attend – allow yourself to take it one Holy Day at a time. Adding another “To Do” in an already busy December wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind when I was conceiving my oldest daughter in March of 1993. Yet, when Barbra Streisand sings to me each Christmastime, “The best gift that I ever got, didn’t really weigh a lot…” I gladly plan my daughter’s birthday party. To lighten my load, however, I have converted events like attending our friend’s annual Christmas Caroling party or The Nutcracker to an every-other-year-or-so tradition. All in all, it is up to us how we ring in the season. We can slow down and listen quietly as Heaven and Nature sing, or we can dash away, dash away, dash away all! When things start to wind up, we can remember to take a deep breath, re-read our heart’s Holiday Wish List and re-center ourselves by singing, “Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me” …preferably,with a voice as big as the sea!  In my practice, I find, again and again, a pattern in which “doing the right thing” and “doing what we are supposed to do” can lead to a big, hard wall.
From the time we are small children we are taught rules. They help form us, keep us safe and even “on the right track.” Rules attempt to create order out of chaos. Or, perhaps prevent perceived possible problems (say THAT five times!). Yet, what I am noticing is how many people, especially women, have spent their entire lives following “the rules” and doing everything “right” only to come crashing into the hard, cold wall of misery. Okay, some haven’t hit misery yet; some are scraping alongside discontentment. Either way, they are discovering that although they have done everything by “the book” and have followed the “rules”, life hasn’t necessarily rewarded them with their dreams or even Joy. Why not? They wonder, “What have I done wrong?” Nothing. They haven’t done anything wrong, and life isn’t what they wanted or expected it to be. I remember when I first began working as an Interior Designer at a large architectural firm in Sacramento; I was fresh out of UC Davis and my internship had turned into a real job. Before long, I was calling my mom in tears about all the “unfairness” of office politics. She shared with me information from a book she had read which noted how girls are taught that if they behave like a “good girl” and “do what they’re supposed to do” then they can expect to get “good grades” (which they then translate into rewards, promotions, etc.). Boys, on the other hand, are taught that they should do “whatever it takes to win the game” (i.e. cheat, if necessary!). Thus, the moral of the book – and my mom’s advice, it seemed – was to “toughen up” and “learn how to play the game.” I never really liked sports, I never read the book, and I never learned how to play office politics. I believed, and wanted to believe, in “doing the right thing.” So why is this pattern emerging? Why is it that when people do “what they are supposed to do” to create their lives they aren’t finding happiness? To address this question, I’d like to take a giant step back – okay, some of you may need to take two or three giant steps back – in order to have a greater perspective. As we move from duality to Oneness, we are finding blurry lines everywhere, including that line between “right” and “wrong.” In the example above, about living and creating our lives, people have spent much of their time doing what is “right” according to a belief system that may be completely “wrong” for them as individuals. They go to college, get a degree in something they enjoy and/or offers great earning potential, get married, and so on, because they believe it’s what they are supposed to do in order to be happy. Yet, even for those who wanted all these things, Life has seemingly pushed them up against this same, hard wall! Why is that? I have said this many times: It is our BIRTHRIGHT to live in Joy! That wall of misery and discontent only asks us to seek out our birthright; to ask ourselves, “What truly brings me Joy?” And, more specifically, “What is it that I – on a Soul level – want to bring to the world and do?” Many of us, however, don’t give ourselves permission to ask such questions, let alone seek their answers. Instead, we follow our parents’, society’s and other’s rules which we have completely bought in to and now own – pink slip, and all! Once, a client asked a question that had something to do with her marriage and her happiness. When I acknowledged her deep misery, her response was, “My husband is very old and he will probably die much sooner than me.” In that moment I saw how completely bound she was to the “rule” about what it meant to be a “good wife.” She had a similar question about her job, but was just as clear that she was “doing the right thing” because, as she noted, in another ten years she’d have her retirement. Another “rule” we believe is, “If I do what is ‘right’ for me, then it may not be for the good of all.”Interesting belief! If what the Universe wants for you is to remember that you ARE Joy, and is urging you to step into that place, then why would becoming more of who you are and acting accordingly be harmful to yourself, others or the planet? As perfectly human beings, we have done nothing wrong by following these rules we were given. We can continue to do nothing wrong – or better yet, we can stop perceiving that we ever DO anything wrong. We can stop judging ourselves and get there is no “wrong” and therefore no “right.” Stepping away from the belief in “right” and “wrong” allows us to observe our “rules” and recognize that we always have, and thus make, choices. We can continue to stay in marriages and jobs that make us miserable, or we can decide to make other choices. It can be empowering to release our rules; it can also be frightening. Like a cage, these rules are the bars that keep us contained. They can make us feel trapped and they can make us feel safe. Acknowledging the rules we have set for ourselves is the first step toward loosening the bars on our cage. Perhaps removing, or even softening, a few of them will help us breathe a little easier. What do the bars of your cage look like? How free do you want to be? Are you afraid that you would harm someone if you were let out of your cage? Perhaps you are afraid of your power. At this time of awakening we are being asked to bring forth our power; to reach deep within ourselves to discover, and hence bring forth, our magic and our gifts. When what we thought we wanted isn’t bringing us Joy, or even manifesting, we can choose to let that hard, cold wall of misery stop us. We can also choose to rest, gather our composure, and look beyond it. Have you hit any walls lately? If so, are the walls of misery or discontent asking you to call forth your deepest dreams, desires and gifts? Do you dare reach that deep into your Soul? Do you dare not? If you thought you were moving toward what you wanted, and it still is not working, I believe it is because the Universe wants so much more for you than you can imagine! Our little minds and egos cannot comprehend our own Grandness or the Joy that lies within us. How do we discover this Grandness and Joy? To begin with, I invite you to move from Form to Formlessness; to allow yourself to soften your rules, structure and rigidity so you can discover the possibilities that lie within your creativity, emptiness and potential. I invite you to rest, breathe, meditate, just be, and – lo and behold – break as many of your rules as possible! And, finally, I invite you to trust. Trust that you don’t even need to “know” what your gifts are; you simply need to call upon them to emerge and create a safe space for them to materialize.  We are waking up at such an incredible rate! This is very exciting!
This weekend, I spoke at the "Children of the New Earth" Conference in Sacramento. It was fairly well attended, considering it was it's first year. Seeing all the people - adults, children, teens - enthusiastically participating, volunteering, playing, presenting, communing and being fully present was heartwarming indeed. Throughout my talk, I kept feeling the "higher" frequencies expanding in and around me. Whoosh! and I'd feel the dizziness and see other realms. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE washing through my beingness and in and out of my heart. The most touching part for me, however, occurred when I was serving on the Educational panel. Here, amongst five other enlightened women and an audience of open hearts, I finally felt - for the FIRST TIME in my LIFE - that "we" were actually getting "there!" Or, actually, it felt like others had been able to see and trust the "new" vision, which had been part of my knowing for so long. This isn't meant to be pretentious in any way... but I am having a hard time describing the feeling I experienced in non-dualistic words or anything like that... The realization (or "Oh, my God" moment) that I was finally heard and people were finally getting me - well, not just "me", the little ol' Veronica on planet earth - they were resonating with me at a vibrational level. I wanted to cry! They're awakening! They're really awakening! Oh my God! The deep loneliness that has been buried in my soul for so long felt as if it was going to be a long forgotten sadness someday soon! Really? Is this real? I am excited, hopeful, and hesitantly waiting to see if it will actually be... |
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