The moment I let go of being "better" than I was

As a harmony-seeking Libran, I spent many years trying to "keep the peace." What this looked like, specifically, was lowering my natural vibration to match that of those around me. This is very common for many of us.

​As such, I also tried to "get along" with others by "doing the right thing." This meant "learning the rules," right? But the problem, I quickly found, was that the rules changed and I rarely got to make them. I merely jumped from one hotspot to the other trying to please.

About 11 years ago, I attended a class meeting in which my daughter's teacher was encouraging us parents to take a class in NVC (Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication). I felt myself leaning in agreeing, "I should do this!" But what I felt under that leaning was my desire/need to be a "better" person... and again to do the "right" thing. 

I quickly snapped out of it! (No, this is not a judgment about NVC.) I realized that I was finally ready to make peace with me AS I WAS and stop trying to figure out what the "right" way to be was since - at that moment - I realized there was no way I'd ever get myself "right" in someone else's eyes because everyone had very different expectations of what I / we "should" be or do to be okay! It was a lose-lose trap of never-ending not measuring up-ness.

So after the meeting, I told the teacher, "I'm ready to make peace with my fucked-upness." And I felt my entire body relax in a sigh of relief.

​Does this mean that I've stopped growing? Does it mean I've become "enlightened"? No. 

I KNOW I OFFEND PEOPLE. I just walk in a room and can rub people the wrong way. I'm an intense person with a very sweet demeanor and sometimes people just won't like me or what I say or what I look like. 
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My job is not to please them. Nor do I go out of my way to offend... truly. My "job" (if I want to call it that) is to surrender to the place in me that can simply be okay just because I am human.

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