VERONICA LEE

Do I spend too much time in evaluation?
"How is your life?," I wonder.

"I'm alive," is my first thought.
But, really, how is my life?
Is there a gauge of usefulness,
of joy, of value?

Aloneness is often the theme,
though that may not address the how.
I am literally not alone
and rarely in my life have been.

An only child certainly has her
blankets of aloneness,
wrapping peacefully the moments
only she can savor.
Or not quite fitting around her
growing, awkward body as the
years of wear tatter its
comfort-ability.

In my sense of humanness
the aloneness felt more vast
than that.

I knew - experienced - an
All That Is, as an extension of me...
or was it in spite of me?
And/or it somehow was me.

Only me.
As self, as God, as Universe
with all else reflections in a
fun house of actions and choices.

So, yeah... that seems to be the
nucleus of the how.

Me. My life.

Now on an illusionary adventure of
ego and self and humanness
ever unfolding in paradox.
As if I don't know or remember the truth.
But, alas, I fool myself that
truth is real... or matters.

So I write. I explore.
I ask, "How is your life?"

And I find the emptiness of answers
and feel into my heart.
Joy.
Simple, unobtrusive,
finely woven into the
fabric of my being.

It misses no-thing. But I experience
it best in my heart.
Where pain also resides.

But the two are actually one, if I
allow the joy to blanket
that pain, with all her fullness
and quiet wisdom.

She will never tatter, not if I
remember to notice.
Witnessing restores her
luster and fullness.
​
Maybe that's the answer to,
"How is your life?"...
a witnessing that restores
luster and fullness.

Dog hair scattered across my yoga mat.
Should I be irritated
or grateful for Callie's presence?

She leans on me.
My back solid on the mat,
knees bent.
I'm reminded to breathe.

The screen is much smaller 
than I need
but I know the cues.
Here.
Outside of the yoga classroom.

Is is more important to 
do the asana correctly,
or to allow my
affectionate dog to offer
and request touch?
With her whole body?!

I know there are plenty of
dog hairs on my back.
And as I pet her, more fall.

I breathe, as instructed,
and lift into bridge.

Just as there are hairs,
there are plenty of distractions.
The room is comfortably quiet - 
sacred, even - but the thoughts.

Plenty of thoughts.
More than enough.
Always willing to rush in
with each exhale.

I curl down from bridge.
Still solid on my mat.
Along with Callie.

Why this moment?
Why does she want this 
moment in the plenty of
moments I spend with her?

I breathe again and
remember there is
plenty of time for yoga.
This class and 
others to come.

I am not sure what to do
with plenty.
Is this a cause for gratitude?

Gratitude and plenty
seem to be intertwined. 
That somehow I must
have the former bow down
to the latter.

But what if the plenty is
scattered dog hairs
on my yoga mat that must
be cleaned thoroughly later?

Or the plenty scatters 
beyond the mat onto 
the floor to be vacuumed
or swept? 

I certainly know there is
always plenty of work.
And plenty of opinions
urging gratitude for 
whatever plenty is offered.

With some firm caresses
and finally a nudge, I once
again have my mat to myself.
For yoga.

Bridge pose is over and 
we are on to the next.
Always reminded to breathe
with conscious awareness.

The sense of plenty and 
gratitude fill my body as 
it stretches around the 
aches and stiffness.
I am grateful for yoga.
I am grateful for Callie.
I am not sure how grateful 
I am for plenty, as it so
depends on what that 
plenty actually is.

I suppose I have plenty of
​time to contemplate that.

My body is an extension of you.
Birthed from your young, teenaged womb.
Tiny, unprepared, barely protected -
your womb, you, me.

Sometimes I wonder why I came
a month early.
Was it to find you a more compatible zodiac
sign, or my impatience to incarnate?
What if it was simply to mark your first
wedding anniversary, somehow sanctifying
a marriage that was destined to dissolve?

And the singleness of you.
Always independent. Ever fierce.
Your red hair making its claim to righteousness
and war.
Sometimes I find red strands in my own
blanket of brown.

I once had it colored, accidentally way too
much red... too much like you in my mirror.
I rejected it.

And, I know, as horrid as it is, I
often rejected you.
Your too much-ness invaded my blossoming.
Or so I believed.

And, as teens do, I began my withdrawal
and rejection to find and forge self.
My body. My mind. My being.

Yet ever an extension of you.

And the pride swells. It swells in my
eyes with sentimental tears. It swells
in my voice as stories of you unfold
with great animation.

And from our bodies, our lineage,
came your grandchildren.

All reflections of you. That fire, that
strength, that ability to dream
the impossible dream!

They remember you with fondness.
You were - and are - their third parent,
more than just a grandmother.

In my body - our body - a tightness
takes hold, emphatically keeping the
grief at bay.

I know I cry your tears, too, as that
was never comfortable for you.
Vulnerability was not welcome in
your body, so you secluded to the
practicality of your mind.

But your heart created my heart and I
feel it beating on our behalf. Your
love was - is - always so palpable.

I breathe. Soften my jaw.
We don't need to clench anymore.

I am discovering safety in my body, hoping
to heal generational trauma.

It is not always easy.

Being an extension of you - in my body -
is not always easy.

But it is beautiful.
​
So, like you, I adorn it. Clothing
that comforts, flatters and expresses
me. My style. All my own, yet
a sweet reflection of you.

For many, the restrictions of the pandemic have forced us to examine our lives. Whether we have been shut out of our in-person jobs, shut in with our families underfoot, or have had to disconnect from our normal activities, this time of “isolation” has offered us a thought-provoking mirror. Most notably, the reflection of how we spend our time - which paves our life direction - is staring accusingly at us with, "Well, is this working for you? Is this what you truly want?"
 
Regardless of pandemic restrictions, it is helpful to face these questions with willingness and wonder. Use the opportunity to think of possibilities, have conversations with loved ones, imagine where you'd rather be, what your life would look like in ten years from now. Ask yourself, “What will my life FEEL like if I keep doing exactly what I am doing for the next five years? Am I living in joy? Is my life fulfilling and aligned with my soul?”
 
Provoked by our collective predicament, our souls are longing for us to reconnect with meaning and joy, and take the steps to create the life we really want.
 
Yet we often meet these soul stirrings with hesitation, concern, and a plethora of “good reasons” to keep our status quo, even if we are miserable. The biggest obstacles we face, when contemplating significant life changes are:

• Practicality – the need to be "stable" and keep everything in place
• Fear – of the unknown, change, wrong decisions, and oh my!
• Uncertainty – lack of clarity about what to do, need for assurances
• Lack of Confidence - Who, me? I can't do that, can I?
• Lack of Support – little or no encouragement or guidance, not enough-ness
• Concern of Hurting Others – If I make this change, how will it affect them?
• Belief in Permission – waiting for a green light from the universe or others
• Disconnection from Soul Purpose – uncertainty of self, purpose or direction, loss of joy

 
Let’s take a look at each one and, in doing so, perhaps do a bit of inner reflection.
 
Practicality
Many highly practical people box themselves in to mediocre contentment that feels comfortable to the mind but lacks heart-luster. Oftentimes they build for safety, and eventually hit the wall of boredom or dissatisfaction. Then guilt (and worry) arises when they think of venturing out. Why rock the boat?, they insist, and tighten the anchor.
 
Examine your need to stay within the confines of practicality. Likely you are far safer than you recognize; you’ve got security blankets galore and can probably cut some up to make that quilt you’ve always envisioned.
 
Fear
Fear is a biggie and can keep one spinning for decades, finding different concerns and scenarios along the way. There is always something to fear. And, for the most part, our fears are simply fears. We meet life’s challenges and usually survive them. Sometimes we emerge wounded and need healing, but - as they say - stronger than our fear.
 
Whether it’s “False Evidence Appearing Real” inciting you to “Forget Everything And Run” or you believe “For Everything A Reason” and choose to “Face Everything and Rise,” the choices in perspective and action are always yours. How would your life change if you faced your fears instead succumbing to them?
 
Uncertainty
The human condition appreciates, even thrives on, certainty. Sleep patterns, the seasons, our daily routines are some areas where predictability and consistency hold us tenderly. Uncertainties feel uncomfortable. We don’t like things being too different from our comfort zone, especially the unexpected. Though we can make conscientious decisions and plan well, there are always uncertainties that hover in the ethers and may even materialize.
 
But even with life’s regularities, there can be sleepless nights, summer storms and startling events. And more often than not, we cope and adjust. We’re resilient that way. Think about your own resilience, especially over this last year’s pandemic.
 
Lack of Confidence
Confidence spans a spectrum for many people, depending on the area. One who is confident at work can be insecure in relationships, for example. Confidence corresponds to our experience, practice, success, and our insecurities. Unless we are forced to do something, sometimes our lack of confidence obstructs action, even if that action offers positive results.
 
As toddlers, we learned to walk. We fell, we tried, we got up and continuously practiced until we became confident walkers. Your confidence can grow, but you need to try things (and fail) and practice repeatedly in order to develop.
 
Lack of Support
Unfortunately, not everyone has a good support system. Parents, spouses and friends may have good intentions and still not be able to support you appropriately. And, even money challenges can make you feel unsupported by life or our system. Not feeling supported can trigger primal fears, insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.
 
Yet, if we feel the earth under our feet, we know the planet literally supports us. Additionally, we can find ways to gain support from spiritual or community groups, mentors, therapists, and more. Learning to ask for and accept support is also important. You are absolutely worth it!
 
Concern of Hurting Others
When we grow and change, we sometimes discover that we fall out of sync with those around us – or worry about it. We believe that changing “too much” will result in loss and hurt, and our fear of abandonment or leaving someone behind can keep us put.
 
A powerful mantra to affirm is, “When I do what is in my highest good, it is ultimately in the highest good of all concerned.” Living this affirmation frees you from holding yourself back in sacrifice of those you love.  
 
Belief in Permission
Do you recognize the subtle ways in which “lack of permission” may hinder you? People who are rule followers or pride themselves on being “good” often wait for “permission” to take major steps, even if that permission is from “The Universe.” Whether permission is direct (getting a promotion from a boss) or perceived (waiting for a series of life’s green lights to proceed), hesitation and holding oneself back because of an underlying belief in permission can be an unconscious roadblock.
 
Notice if you are waiting for permission. Awareness of our patterns is a huge part of shifting them. You do not need permission to be who you incarnated to be or live the life you envision.