Despite the Mess of Us

March, 2012

Despite the mess of us we had a wonderful life.
Almost perfect.
Okay, it was hammered with hardships.
Not the kind either of us intended.
Not consciously, anyway.
It seems life had other plans.
Or perhaps it was our souls?

Did we know?
Did we know our love would be deep and abiding and sacred and palpable?
Did we know we took on the wounds of our parents...
the hidden demons of abandonment, addiction and unworthiness?

And despite our hearts, willingness and integrity we danced
a painful, profound, yet oh-so ordinary dance of becoming.

Who were we becoming?
A better me? A refined you?
Our familial dysfunction transformed?

Was it the end?

Despite the mess of us, our love didn't die, though I tried to kill it.
Loving you, so deeply, as you entered the forest of uncertainty.
Unarmed. Slightly crouching.
Why did you go?
And why so long?

Those six lost years could have been blissful.
At least that's what regret tells me.

But you stayed, learned to armor yourself,
forged new tools to help you battle your demons.
So long. So bloody.

And the kids and I stood at the
edge of the woods, waiting.
Longing. Hoping.

Six long years of their momentary childhood.
I can't regret on their behalf.
It's too big... and it's not mine to wield.

But, despite the mess of us,
we stayed together.
The cord of our love held fast.
I trust it was your life line
in some way.
Your undying love for the kids
and me.

Despite the mess of us, we always
felt your love.
Its power.
Your power.
To transform.
Despite the mess of us, your return
was welcome... and frightening.
Would things be okay now?
Has the dragon been tamed?
Did unworthiness heal...
just enough perhaps?

Despite the mess of us, we gained
nine more precious years.
Sober. Conscious. Together.

Thankfully our kids - our family -
experienced healing. Forgiveness.
And, I'm sure in some way,
some immeasurable lessons.

Despite the mess of us, and our attempts
to clean whatever remnants we could,
you still had to die.

And in this moment,
through tears of grief and gladness
and surrender,
I remember our sacred love
despite the mess of us.

Inspired from a line in a poem by Ada Limon: "despite the mess of us."

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