​The One Word that Destroys Happiness

by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
 
There is a single word we can – and often do – use to make ourselves miserable. This word makes one unhappy with a life, a spouse, a job, a daily routine – in fact, with everything it touches.  If we are determined to be miserable all the days of our lives, we can sprinkle this word liberally in all our thoughts, plans, and reactions!

The powerful word to destroy our happiness?  SHOULD.

In 12-step programs, this is called “should-y thinking.” SHOULD acts as instant short hand to reject everything in life, to judge life as lacking and insufficient. The following chart gives some examples of how it does its magic:

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Event	Should Destruction Thoughts or Words
Spend a warm, balmy day at the beach	The sun should be out. There should be more cloud cover. I should have chosen a different day.
A bad back, shoulder, or knee flares into pain	My body should support what I want to do!
Your spouse makes a special effort to help you with a chore	S/he should always do that anyway.
Your team comes in second in the playoffs	They should have won.
You get extra-special great service from a vendor	It should always be like that! I’m the customer!
A much-loved person dies	I should have had their love all my life.

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SHOULD works to instantly rob every victory of sweetness, to sour every moment. Entire books have been written on the power of gratitude, but they could all be summed up as “Stop SHOULDING on yourself!”

One woman was determined to change her spoken words to support a joy-filled life. She adopted “Cancel” as the cue that should-y thinking was present. If an inadvertent SHOULD slithered into her speech, she would instantly exclaim “Cancel! Cancel!” And express her gratitude for some aspect of the situation.
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See how this approach can change a day, an experience, a life:

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Event	Should-less Gratitude Statement
Spend a warm, balmy day at the beach	I’m happy to live where I can visit the beach.
A bad back, shoulder, or knee flares into pain	I can find another way to accomplish this.
Your spouse makes a special effort to help you with a chore	Thank you for helping! It made this job much easier.
Your team comes in second in the playoffs	I’m so happy we made the playoffs!
You get extra-special great service from a vendor	Thank you for your help! (Followed by a raving call to the manager.)
A much-loved person dies	I’m so grateful I had their love as long as I did.

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Should-y thinking has great power to destroy. Look back on every moment of disappointment, despair, pain and anger – and find the “should-y” thinking at the root. Pollyanna had a point – her elimination of “should” made a life of joy and grace possible.

Current research on chronic pain shows that pain originates in the brain, and must be controlled from there if there is to be relief. Therefore, the current treatment is to teach that “what you resist persists” and that pain can be reduced and borne only by rejecting should-y thinking, and learning to work with the pain, rather than engaging in a constant war with the body and brain! All those old sayings in 12-step programs are now being proved by scientific brain scans and experimentation!

Science now says you can put the opioids down and go back to the mindfulness meditation classes -- and be happy!

Source material:

• Seven Things You Should Know About Pain Science by Todd Hargrove
• Translational Pain Research: From Mouse to Man. Kruger L, Light AR, editors. Boca Raton, FL: CRC Press/Taylor & Francis; 2010.